Stand for your rights

Ok, I'm taking a lot of flak about the whole urinal thing. I can't say it wasn't expected. Urinals get a bad rap, and people who promote urinals get a bad rap.

I realize that by elaborating on this topic, I run the risk of being labeled "obsessed". Look. I am not obsessed. Ok, so maybe my license plates went over the top, but its a subect I feel passionate about. Its time this piece of porcelain got the recognition it so richly deserves. And its time for residential bathrooms to recognize that men have special needs too.


The Headmistress is a big urinal fan, but it didn't start out that way. It took me a long time to win her over. She too had a negative image cultivated over years of abandoning long lines at the ladies room to duck into the mens room. Look, if you go into a mens room at a bar, or a football stadium, or a rock concert, you've gotta expect things to be kind of a mess. Men in those situations are expected to make a mess. To not make a mess could invite ridicule. So forget everything you've ever seen in the vicinity of public urinals. They are disgusting, because they are abused. Hey, I've been in one or two women's rooms, and the porcelain in there isn't exactly something to be proud of either, okay?

Once I'd convinced the Headmistress, and installed the thing, she grew to love it. I mean, you know, in that "male bathroom fixture" kind of way. Anyway, we never received a single negative comment on the urinal - in fact, quite the opposite. People were fascinated with it. Guys would come over just to use the bathroom. And they never once wrote anything on the walls. Well, anything bad that is.


Look, here is the bottom line about urinals. You gotta flush 'em. Those ones in the public mens rooms? Rarely flushed. Combine that with the fact that most men who use them are drunk and piss all over their shoes, and you can start to understand why this porcelain bowl is so misunderstood.

Why don't men flush them? Three reasons, really.

First you have your basic grunting, macho, male "GUY". Someone who has covered each of his two hundred and fifty pounds with some kind of cheap cologne. He seeks to establish himself as the "alpha" male, and is simply leaving his scent to mark his territory. He scares me.

Next you have your "talker". This guy wants to carry on a conversation while standing at the urinal. He is so gabby, in fact, that he forgets to flush, and usually forgets to wash. He is talking all the way out the door. When he leaves, suspicious glances are exchanged. The worst of these types is the one who strikes the conversation up with a total stranger. See, stoicism is the character trait most admired in men's rooms. By talking, you break one of the ten "Golden Rules of Urinal Etiquette":


1 - Select a stall that has a vacancy to the right and to the left.
2 - In the absence of that, try to get the one nearest to a wall.
3 - Keep the eyes straight ahead - don't look right, dont look left.
4 - Resist the urge to look down.
5 - Step right up - don't stand back. While you may be proud of yourself, the rest of us would rather not see the equipment.
6 - If you're having trouble getting things started, give us a courtesy flush - the noise helps to ease the tension that everyone feels about your situation. Its the polite thing to do.
7 - No whistling. It arouses suspicion.
8 - Positively NO smiling. Enough said.
9 - Zip up BEFORE you back away.
10 - NEVER, EVER, TALK TO ANYONE.


Finally, you have your obsessive-compulsive type. Ok, you know who you are. You're the one who walks into a bathroom by pushing the door open with your elbow, or your shoulder, or your rear-end, saving your hands from coming into contact with some sort of flesh-eating bacteria. You perform the necessaries and walk straight out, bypassing sink, soap and towel dispenser. You are very likely an otherwise civilized individual. You simply do not want your hands to come into contact with any bathroom surfaces, including the flush handle, the faucet handle, or the soap and paper towel dispenser handles. Some of you even place your hand into your coat pocket before grabbing the door handle to exit. You are the very same individual who reasons that since you didn’t actually touch anything, there is no need to wash your hands. Excuse me? To have truly not touched anything would have required a deft maneuver on your part to get your equipment out of the garage, followed by a hands-free operation, followed by yet another deft maneuver to get the thing safely back into the garage. Let’s face it, since no man has ever squandered an opportunity to touch himself, you are obviously lying. To you I say: I’d sooner lick the handles of a dozen flush valves than touch anything in your garage, so lest we find it necessary to shake hands, please flush the urinal. And wash your hands. With Soap.

So there you have it. Embrace the urinal. It is your friend. When treated properly, this piece of porcelain will change your life.

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A very astute blogger in Texas pointed out that today's Style section in the New York Times contains an interesting article about urinals in the home. Check out the slide show (under the photo, click "more photos"). Sure, Clark Sorensen’s got issues, but you get the idea.