Stand and Deliver

WARNING - This is a male-only post. So women should stop reading HERE.

If you are still reading, and are uncomfortable with discussion of bodily functions, stop reading HERE.

(Man, what was that dude's problem?) Okay, the rest of you are about to receive information that will change your lives. You will thank me for what I am about to disclose.

As a side-note, with all the women gone, WHAT are we going to do about Hillary? I guess that's a blog entry for another day.

You know, I have always been of the opinion that EVERY home should have at least one urinal in it. Can I get an AMEN? I cannot understand why every woman on the planet doesn't feel the same way on this subject. I mean, they REALLY should like them, but the REALLY don't like them. One would think, as I naively did, that women wouldn't have enough experience with urinals to have formed an opinion about them - good or bad. But that line of thought doesn't account for the phenomenon of women ducking into men's bathrooms. How come they never duck when I'm in there?

Here is the problem: women simply don't realize that the condition of those urinals, which are used by disgusting men, has nothing whatsoever to do with the condition of your urinal, which will be used by you.

It took some time, but I did eventually manage to convince the Headmistress to permit the installation of a urinal in our previous home. It was the best 3 years of my life. Seriously. So this is my story. Pay attention guys.

It may be a bit of "Weird Science", but there is some scientific logic behind my opinion on this. And its all rooted in something called the"Mascu-mephitic Maxim", which states, simply, that all men are disgusting. Except us, of course. And nothing exemplifies this maxim more than a man standing over a standard bowl-and-tank fixture. Whoever thought THAT design up, obviously didn't account for the marriage of gravity and liquid displacement. It is noisy, and it is messy. Which I wouldn't necessarily care about, except for two issues:

1 - I am, on occasion, forced to actually CLEAN the bathroom. C'mon, admit it - you are too.

2 - It might be tempting for a listener to associate the volume of the noise with the size of the noisemaker. Now I'm not saying this is true. But in my case, I'd rather not face the comparison.

Let's forget the noise issue for one minute, because that might just be >>MY<< little issue. But in terms of the other issue, the problem is that the very design of the receptacle, combined with the act itself, is engineered to make a mess. And the REAL problem here is the juxtaposition of: a)the mess; and b)the furniture-like fixture that people, including us, must actually sit on with their bare behinds. You see what I'm saying?

Like incompetence in the federal government, most folks generally don't think about it too much. Otherwise, there'd be a huge backlash. People would be protesting in the streets - "we're not going to TAKE it anymore!" So my intent here is to help you get the information you need to turn this problem around in your household. I hope that this discussion thread will change the world, one porcelain fixture at a time.

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In order to make a scientific comparison of porcelain, several very important constants must be established. In other words, we need to focus on a few measurements. No, not that one. These ones:

Travel - 600 millimeters
Pressure - 18 psi
Volume - 600 milliliters


Travel
The first figure represents the average distance of travel. Of course, this depends on the height of the man, the height and capacity of the bowl, and the length of.... well, it depends on a number of variables. Still, you're talking an average of approximately two feet of travel before payload reaches destination.

Pressure
The second figure represents the average pressure under which the payload, of you will, is delivered to the destination. In other words, it affects the velocity. Again, there are any number of variables involved. Generally, urinologists use something called the Baxter-Shockley scale, so-named for an unlucky gentleman who suffered a two-week blockage due to a kidney stone, and his very unlucky girlfriend who was, for some reason, directly in the line of fire when the thing passed. This scale represents an age curve that peaks at around 25 years, and trails off to a dribble at around 40 years. Still, a good median would be 18psi.

Volume
The last figure represents the average amount of payload at the time of delivery. If you're like me, and you refer to your visits as "tinkles", this amount will generally be lower. If, however, you sometimes precede such visits with exclamations like "Woah! I've got to piss like a race horse!", then this amount would tend to be much higher. Given the large variance, 600 milliliters represents a decent average.

Volume and pressure determine duration, but that figure is not relevent to this discussion. There have been times when a couple of seconds gets the job done, and there have been times when I have been able to read entire sports pages, in those facilities that have the courtesy to provide them.

So, we can derive a washroom equation something like S=tpv2. This equation is key to understanding the benefits of the urinal. When it comes to the "S", smaller is better. "S" equals Splashage. We'll be using the "S" factor to shock, disgust, gross-out, and otherwise frighten the begeezus out of the wives, so we get the porcelain we want.


Now I know what you're thinking. And you are exactly correct that this equation represents an ingenious method for demonstrating what happens when a liquid payload is introduced to a liquid destination from a distance of approximately two feet, under moderate pressure. Certainly you are all familiar with the automotive "leak-down test" - where mechanics use antifreeze and a black light to test for engine block leaks. Without question, this is the best way to conduct our experiment to maximum effect. It has the added benefit of making the whole procedure appear more scientific.


SETUP
Materials Needed:

Standard water bucket - 3 gallon, galvanized, glass or plastic
2 gallons, plus 1 quart of antifreeze
Clean white newsprint
Black Light
Painter's tape
Pressurized garden sprayer
Latex gloves (like the kind the doctor sticks up your butt)
Roll of "Caution" tape - optional (like the stuff cops use to cordon your yard each July 4 when you set the neighborhood on fire with your impressive fireworks display)
Two pair of safety glasses


PROCEDURE
To prepare for the experiment, line an area of six square feet (6' x 6') with the clean newsprint, using the painter's tape to secure it to the floor. If desired, use the "Caution" tape to cordon off the area (note - this automatically creates a sense that something BAD is happening, which is what you want)

We'll call this area "splash field".


Next, place the bucket in the middle of the splash field, and fill it with the 2 gallons of antifreeze. Next, fill the empty garden sprayer with the quart of antifreeze, and pressurize the tank to 18psi. Put one pair of the safety glasses on and call the wife in.

Now - this is very important - you MUST be dramatic. As dramatically as possible, pull the latex gloves on (a good snap is very impressive), and present your wife with the other pair of safety glasses. The effect of this step cannot be overstated. It must appear that you are handling a toxic substance.

Once again, in dramatic fashion, clear the area of children, pets, and curious onlookers. Stand over the bucket with the sprayer. Adjust the nozzle for steady stream, and hold it at a distance of least 24 inches over the surface of the water. Spray the contents into the bucket. Warning - dramatics in the spraying phase of the experiment, while generally humorous, are not recommended if the intention is to win the wife over.

If, while conducting the actual experiment, the pressure on your sprayer dips below say, 16 psi, stop and charge it back up before continuing. However, be forewarned that stopping to pump up the sprayer detracts from the overall drama, and, quite frankly, might leave your wife with a subconscious feeling that you are, somehow, inadequate.

When the tank is empty, turn off the lights, turn on the black light, and observe the splash pattern. If the experiment was conducted properly, you should see a random pattern in a 2-foot perimeter from the center of the bucket. Show the wife. You should have a urinal in your home within two weeks.

Note - this experiment has been known to fail in homes that have "his" and "her" toilets. Don't fall into this trap! Preparation is the key to avoiding this dilemma. Two weeks prior to the experiment, the "his" toilet must develop some sort of problem that requires ordering a part from the Ukraine. In the interim, you will be forced to use the "her" toilet.

When you see how the installation of a urinal changes your life, you will be overcome with an urge to compensate me in some way. I do take PayPal.