Its all in the packaging

Warning! The Academy's Headmistress has declared this blog entry to be rated PG-13. Where is the sense of humor, I ask you?


I love clubs. I love the heady experience of being a member of an exclusive group, rubbing elbows with the upper-crust. What a rush! Pull up to the curb, step out proudly and survey the underpriveleged, admiring masses shuffling by. Go inside, sit in an overstuffed leather chair and watch sports programs on large, hi-def plasma sets with expensive sound systems. I am SO there. Yes, I belong to BJ's.

I recently went shopping at this exclusive membership club. Among the items on the flatbed livestock cart I was pushing around was a package of "alvin Kle" men's undershirts. I threw them on top of the cart and didn't think too much about it until I got over to the Beverage Village (zipcode 20716). There, as I was making selections from mountains of soda, I noticed someone checking out my cart. I am ever vigilant of those cart kidnappers - you know the ones who mistake your cart for theirs, dump all your stuff on the floor and make off with your cart - so I wandered back over to check things out. The stubbly-faced guy near my cart had a beer gut that made him appear to be with child, and he was dressed in deer-hunter garb, circa 1970. After a moment of awkward eye contact, he made that animal grunt men often use to cough up whatever bits of animal meat they have lodged in their sternums. Then he turned abruptly and headed off for the Truck Tire Village(zipcode 20782). Hm. What, exactly, was he looking at, I wondered? Then it hit me. alvin Kle! Turns out he was checking out the "package" on the undershirt package.

What is WITH that packaging? Picture some fat-cat marketing exec sitting at the head of a conference table, trying to motivate his team to design some killer packaging for their underwear brand. "Its gotta be big, see? When a man looks at my package, I want him to have an urge he can't resist! I want to arouse his interest! He can't resist having it, see? He is subconsciously drawn to my package." Long pause as nervous eyes glance around the table. Finally, someone timidly offers "Um... how about a hunky male model?"

See, I just don't understand the connection between men shopping for underwear, and hunky male models. Do they think I'm stupid enough to buy their product because I want to look like thier model? Puh-leeeze! Put a picture of a Harley Davidson on there, laced with the scent of beef stew. Or a Porsche 911 with a Heidi Klum hood ornament. Sure, I'd think it was silly, but that I would at least understand. Seriously? I'd prefer my underwear to come in a plain white package rubber stamped with bold, black letters - "MEN'S UNDERWEAR".

This is precisely why I won't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch anymore. Hey, don't laugh. I could shop there, if I wanted to. But last time I did, I had to endure the walk through the mall to the truck, toting a shopping bag with soft male-porn plastered all over both sides of it. What makes retailers think that guys want to see hunky man-junk all over their products? I mean, how about a waist-up shot, minus the close-up of the man-junk? Maybe I could live with that.

Another thing about men's underwear that I don't get. What is with those "tighty whities?" How can an adult look upon them kindly? At best, its panties for men. At worst, its boy's underwear in men's sizes. I mean, they should come with pictures of the Batmobile on them and a little pouch to hold your batarangs. I just don't get it. I mean, just LOOK at them!


Hm. Strangely, I have a sudden urge to buy more.