Creature Feature

We used to have a saying in software development. It goes like this: "That's not a bug, its a feature!"

Realtors take that concept to a whole new level. Want a good laugh? Wait until you've been in your house for about a year, then go back through the advertising materials they gave you for the house. Actually, it might not make you laugh at all.

Having paid top dollar for this house at the peak of a market frenzy, it did not make me laugh. Although I suppose the choking and beet red face may have made it appear that I was laughing. And the thing of it is, we knew that everything was crap, decided to buy it anyway and fix it up - and it still feels as though we'd been swindled.

That "charming updated bath with art-deco fixtures"? HA! Well, they're updated now - since I ripped them out of there. That "brand new third bath in the basement"? Yeah, I suppose you could call it a bath, if you were really into cinder-block rooms with shower heads that leak and drains that don't work.

That "fifth bedroom with closet"? Long gone. I learned from the neighbors they used to have a nanny living in there, and they affectionately referred to it as The Dungeon. The "closet" was a very small wardrobe, apparently purchased from the Dollar Store. Also long gone.

That "walk-in cedar closet" in the basement? Long gone. It was an ill-constructed... box, that I suppose you might walk into - if you were brave enough. It had what can only be described as cedar-scented particle board randomly tacked up on the walls, and mouse-doodoo everywhere.

So anyway, back to that "art-deco" fixture, which is what got me going in the first place. Was it considered art-deco, in the 20's and 30's, to have all the PVC plumbing exposed, with a sloppy plywood box built around the supply lines? Ah, no matter - its all gone now.

So today I've been instructed to get rid of the ugly broken mirror in the former "art deco" master bath - the mirror I inadvertently whacked with a 2x4. But I'm thinking maybe we should just leave it there - it might be a great selling point. "Charming updated master bath with multi-faceted, full-length mirror!"