Dude, come out of the closet

I recently delved into the obscure underworld of hanger manufacturing. I did not emerge unscathed. It is an oft-overlooked, yet apparently vital part of our economy.

Its also a cut-throat world of international intrigue. And Ambassador Peter F. Allgeier may just be its James Bond. He recently testified before the House Committee on Appropriations. According to Allgeier, President Bush had observed that, despite stiff competition from China, U.S. producers still accounted for 85% of the U.S. wire hanger market, and further, that he (President Bush) remained resolved to uphold section 421 of the Trade Act of 1974, as it related to wire hanger production. And I say, thank goodness for that.

Why have I allowed myself to get sucked into the black hole of the hanger market? Having recently completed the construction of the master walk-in closet, I had my own observations about wire hanger production and distribution: they're messy and ugly. And we simply cannot have that. I have enough things keeping me up at night.

Resolved to upgrade my extensive hanger collection, pictured above, I set about to research the market. What I discovered was shocking. There are more types of clothes hangers than one could possibly imagine. Want to buy a gross of plain wooden hangers? Not so fast, Sparky. First, do you want 16", 17" or 18"? Do you want those in lotus wood, chestnut, mahogany, pine, birch or maple? Classic trouser rail (plain or non-slip), clamping trouser rail, or no rail at all. Wide shoulders (8cm), or tapered (4cm)? Curved body, or flat? Do you need skirt clamps, belt hooks, strap notches? What about the hanging hooks - do you want brass or stainless? Anti-snag tips? 6cm neck, or 8cm neck? (Hot Tip - better measure your closet pole support brackets, and think carefully before answering that last question.) Hotel or residential curve? And most importantly, don't you want them certified to ISO9001 specifications? Just imagine the horror of having a guest discover that your hangers are not certified to those standards. Talk about an awkward moment.

Look, we haven't even gotten to the logos. You can purchase wooden hangers with clothier logos (Jos. A. Bank, Burberry), sports logos and custom logos. You can even have them monogrammed. Be prepared to spend approximately $25 per piece. I would love a closet stocked with Red Sox hangers, but then 99% of my wardrobe would thus be hanging on an item that cost more than the article of clothing itself.

You can buy hangers (retail) in lots of 24 (a bundle) and up to 500 (a gross). One supplier in China claims they can keep you supplied in fine-crafted wooden hangers at the astonishing rate of one million pieces per month. Can you imagine? Some folks take their wardrobes a little too far.

I seriously believe there are people out there who have spent more on hangers for their well-dressed closets than I spent on the entire closet, clothes and all. But, after much careful consideration, I happened upon some plain flat wooden hangers in Target for about $0.50 each. They even have non-slip pant rails! Ok, now we're talking. I've finally found my little corner of the hanger market.

Now that its all done, I have found the closet to be a kind of sanctuary. Its the only all-adult room in the entire house, its the most isolated, and also the most quiet. I've become fond of spending lots of time in there. With an internet connection, I might never come out of the closet. Heck, I might even do some laundry.