Macro Deco-nomics

I need to check myself into the Rosalynn Carter Clinic for remodeling and redecorating addicts. I just don't know how to simply live with a house. I feel the need to change everything. And I mean, everything. Sometimes twice.

I modified every square inch of our last property, from floor to ceiling, end to end. I built the kitchen from scratch, including cabinets and countertops, replacing every appliance. I replaced the furnace the A/C, the water heater. I rewired the entire house, replacing aluminum with copper. Every outlet, every switch, every fixture was new. Every hinge and doorknob. Every room received the same molding treatment, with crown, fluted casings, rosettes, custom plinths, window sills, and custom door capitals. I replaced the roof, the siding. All upstairs bedrooms received the same cherry hardwood floor. All downstairs rooms received the same wide maple plank flooring. Every doorway was outfitted with a solid pine, 6-panel door and nickel hardware. Travertine tile in all baths. All new imported bath fixtures. The list goes on and on. The house sold in one day, but to tell the truth, I'm lucky if I broke even.

So now, here at the Academy, we've got twice the property. When I look around at what needs to be done, I am completely overwhelmed. I think I've taken on more than I can handle. The list seems endless. It doesn't help that most of the construction around here appears to have been completed by Larry, Moe and Curly. The good news is, the kitchen cabinets in this house are good to go - nothing required except maybe refinishing the doors at some point. The other good news is.... well, I guess there really is no other good news.

Anyway, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I decided to break it down so it was more granular - more raw, stark, imposing. Its just the sort of thing I like to do for fun. I figured that I'd at least be able to see how much I'd accomplished in the year that we've been here. I've been slowly accumulating the list in a spread sheet, so it was easy to convert everything over to inches.

So here is my list of things to do to the house, expressed in terms of inches (linear, squared, cubed), and showing what has been completed thus far. I'd have done centimeters, except the Academy hasn't adopted international standards yet. I found that by breaking it down this way, I could easily determine that I am about 16.5 percent finished with the work. At this rate, I should complete the remodel in about 7 years.

However, it is important to bear in mind that this list does not include the roof, which requires some major reconfiguration and reshingling; the siding, which must be completely replaced and reflashed; the driveway, which must be repaved; the perimeter fence, which must be rebuilt from scratch; the swimming pool, which requires approximately $30k in repairs; the hot tub we want to put in; the rear covered porch, which must be torn down and rebuilt, including a new slab; the rear patio, which requires the slate to be delaminated and preserved, and the slab to be demolished and repoured; the pool deck which requires the same (not included in the $30k repair bill); or the barn, which we have envisioned as a quaint English-style garden cottage (take a wild guess at THAT number).

The list also doesn't include the outdoor lighting scheme, all on timers, that's already 50% completed. And it doesn't account for the daily jobs that keep me from accomplishing much - like cleaning the pool and the gutters, raking the endless leaves, mowing the lawn, tending the myriad trees, bushes and flower beds, schooling the students, etc. etc.

So, as you can see, the Academy's endowment is quickly shrinking, along with the headmaster's resolve.

ITEM	TO DO	DONE
Hardwood Flooring	188,513 sq.in.	0 sq.in.
Carpet	83,937 sq. in.	23,409 sq.in.
Tile	303,696 sq. in.	12,096 sq. in.
Refinish Hardwood	79,273 sq. in.	0 sq. in.
Walls - Build	427,06 sq. in.	54,528 sq. in.
Walls - Paint	966,480 sq. in.	58,752 sq. in.
Insulation	391,680 sq. in.	138,240 sq. in.
Ceiling - Build	241,058 sq. in.	23,409 sq. in.
Ceiling, Paint	383,067 sq. in.	23,409 sq. in.
Casing	11,786 linear in.	554 linear in.
Custom Capitals	1,278 linear in.	0 linear in.
Baseboards	8,546 linear in.	612 linear in.
Rosettes	198 sq. in.	72 sq. in.
Custom Plinths	2,580 sq. in.	60 sq. in.
Crown Molding	10,066 linear in.	612 linear in.
Exterior Doors, New	14,760 sq. in.	2,952 sq. in.
Interior Doors, New	51,660 sq. in.	2,460 sq. in.
Thresholds	1,120 linear in.	30 linear in.
Window Sills	1,352 linear in.	192 linear in.
Custom Cabinets	857,088 cu. in.	0 cu. in.
Stone Countertops	15,240 sq. in.	0 sq. in.
Appliances	258,541 cu. in.	211,561 cu. in.
Windows, New	65,808 sq. in.	0 sq. in.
Copper Wire, 6, 10, 12 and 14 awg	38,700 lin. in.	38,250 lin. in.
Breakers, New	695 amps	695 amps
Skylights, New	5,760 sq. in.	0 sq. in.
Stone Fireplace Surround	10,752 sq. in.	0 sq. in.
Closet Configuration	1,357,056 cu. in.	255,744 cu. in.
Coaxial Cable	4,800 linear in.	4,800 linear in.
Ethernet Cable	300 linear in.	300 linear in.
Custom Soffits	132,768 cu. in.	44,784 cu. in.
Ductwork	960 cu. in.	320 cu. in.
Gas Line, New	3,600 linear in.	3,600 linear in.
Smoke Detectors, Interconnected	3	2
Carbon Monoxide Detectors, Interconnected	2	2
Light Fixtures, Permanent	126	46
Smart Dimmers	41	30
Wall Switches	12	9
Wall Outlets	92	92
Ceiling Fans	7	2
Exhaust Fans	4	1
Toilet Fixtures	4	2
Shower fixures	3	0
Sinks	5	1
Sink Fixtures	5	2
Disposers	1	1
Door Hardware (handle, hinge set)	26	3