All On

There's something very appealing about betting it all. Something about operating with reckless abandon that suits me. Forget managing your risk, hedging your bets, diversifying your... whatever it is that needs diversifying. Its all or nothing, baby. Take a chance, cash 'em in, go for broke, stick your neck out, lay it on the line. Lemme see what you got.

"Put up or shut up, people! You can't touch this. You think you bad? Huh? You think you BAAAAAd? I'm ALL ON, baby!"

"Jim, sit down. First of all, its "All In". Second of all, this is only the first hand, and I haven't even finished dealing. Jaysus! Chill out, will you?"

See, I stink at poker. I don't know how to be reserved. I don't know how to be cool. In fact, I probably wouldn't play the game at all if it weren't for that "ALL IN" thing. Gawd, I LOVE doing that!

A delapidated fixer-upper at peak price way above neighborhood comps? Variable-rate, interest-only loan with 10-year balloon payment? Triple my mortgage and take on some very expensive headaches? Pay closing costs for the sellers, their in-laws, and their babysitter's parents too? YYYYES! I AM ALL IN!

But its not just the betting. I can't deal either. Clockwise, counterclockwise - I can never remember. Burn and turn? What the HELL is that? And I can't manage the chips. Why do they have SO many freaking colors? I can't even remember the names of the games, much less how to play them. Mexican Sweat, English Stud, In the Hole, Down and Dirty, Screw your Neighbor, In-Between, Flop your Nuts. Its all so baffling. I'm always left feeling isolated and confused, and yet... strangely aroused. I forget whether a full house beats a straight. Crap, what's a straight again? How many chips do I put in? Are three Aces good? Is it my turn yet?

Yeah, my friends LOVE it when I come to poker.

I belong to a poker club, of sorts. We play maybe 4 times a year, with rotating host. It all started back in a former job, when a bunch of us would gather, maybe 30 times per day, to play a game called "Liar's Poker". Its a game you play with a dollar bill - the serial number is your poker hand. Except you build your best hand based on ALL the unseen serial numbers from ALL the players. And the point of the game is to lie your ass off, but don't get caught. See, THAT I understand. Anyway, we REALLY played it a lot. I mean, when you stop at the bank on the way to work to get a stack of fifty clean dollar bills, you kinda got a little problem. But DAMN we had some fun.

Now though, its all about Texas Hold 'Em. And people are freaking out about poker these days. I mean, people used to trade stocks, but now they're supplementing their income on pokerstars.com. And after playing themselves into a pasty-white, bug-eyed plasma glow, they come to poker night ready to KICK YOUR ASS. God help you if you push on a ragged flop - they'll be up in your grill, pointing out how incredibly stupid you are. Damn, when did sitting around drinking with friends get all competitive?

I stopped going. A few of us have started a splinter group that meets occasionally, with rotating host. No cards, no chips, no flops, and nothing "In the Hole"? Good food, alcohol and cigars? I'm ALL ON.