We're All Here For The Donuts

The Headmaster can't seem to get this church sign out of his head. The message is so jarring, it seems more appropriate to show it as a negative image - just like in those sensational news stories. Zoom into the image and cue the scary music as the announcer says: "Does this Montgomery County church want its congregation to commit suicide? Story at 11."

I mean, even while speaking theological truth (depending on your interpretation of the Bible), it turns the tables on just about everyone's interpretation of LIFE. I mean, why else are we here, if not to live THIS life to the fullest?

Since the dawn of man, we've made up stories to help answer the age-old question Why are we here? These stories have never really been up to the task, so the philosophers have stepped in to try and help. And while I mean no disrespect to you philosophers (what, you think philosophers don't read this blog?), when you have a question so tough that you have to call in the philosophers, you're pretty much screwed.

So what have the philosophers had to say about this question? Imagine the conversation if you had them in a room:

Thales: We're here because of the water.
Anaximander: No, we're here because of the fish.

Pythagoras: BEANS!

    awkward silence

        Look, we're here because of the beans...
          ...and to drive our kids nuts with math.

Socrates: We're here to [talk and annoy people].
Plato (waking up): Yeah, what he said.
Epicurus: I don't know about you guys, but I'm here for the donuts. Have you tried these chocolate cake ones?
Aristotle: We're here to organize things. Dammit Epicurus, now you've mixed the cake donuts with the glazed.
Homer: Doh!

And that was all BEFORE Christianity. When Jesus came along he simplified things. And that's when everything got real complicated. Think the Bible has the answers? The Bible is what produced that church sign. And that church sign sets the Headmaster's head to spinning with thoughts of another conversation:

God: My Son, I'm sending you down to live on Earth, my grand creation. I made it just for you. It took me six whole days to deck the place out with everything you will need. Grain, vegetables and animals to eat. Water to drink. Resources to make shelter. Dinosaurs to make oil for your SUV. Slaves to... oh, wait, scratch that - I keep forgetting. But oh, the women - beautiful women to provide love and warmth and... ummm... children, but don't hold that against me. Did I mention the women are beautiful?
Man: Wow, sounds great! I can't wait to live there!
God: Well yes, but I don't really want you to LIVE there.
Man: Well, then where?
God: I mean, yes you're going to live there, but I don't want you to live your LIFE there. I mean... your REAL life is with me, and lasts for eternity. But only AFTER you've lived on Earth for some number of years. I can't tell you how long you'll be there, but if you are very good and virtuous, you will come back to me and your life on Earth won't matter.
Man: Uh, then why send me there?
God: ... Look, it's very complicated. Just go there and be good, then you will see.
Man: So if I'm good, then I will come back to you to live my REAL life? For eternity?
God: YES! You've got it! Um... except that being good isn't technically good enough. You see, I made you imperfectly. I mean, perfectly imperfect. That is, I MEANT to make you imperfect. So you will not be able to remain virtuous. But you will be forgiven if you believe in my son.
Man: You mean, believe in myself?
God: No, I mean my REAL son.
Man: But I thought I was your real son.
God: Yes my child, I am your father, but... look, it's complicated.
Man: Women?
God: Yes, but it's not what you think.
Man: Oooookayy.

[pause]

Man: So let me see if I've got this straight. I go to earth for some unknown number of years, act virtuously, believe in your REAL son, and then I'll be able to live my REAL life with you for eternity?
God: Yes! Well, except that you technically don't have to be virtuous, as long as you believe in my son. I mean, that's the important part. Because I made you to be bad, you'll need to be forgiven.
Man: By you?
God: Yes.
Man: Oh for crissakes.
God:
Man: sigh.... So anyway, you're saying I can do pretty much anything I want, as long as I believe in your son?
God: Well... technically speaking, yes.
Man: Hm... Tell me about the women again.