M-I-C See ya later!

K-E-Y Why? 'Cuz I couldn't take Disney one more day.

I can't help wonder how someone could endure this in July, when the crowds triple in size, and the temperatures soar. The crowds, the lines, the endless walking, walking, walking.

Actually, I think we may have enjoyed Disney a lot more had we been able to take it at our own pace. But we were on a schedule here that could only be described as theme-park boot camp. I never served in the military, but I must imagine that all drill sargeants wear mouse ears. On the positive side, tomorrow's 16-hour drive will seem like child's play.

I'd like to personally thank the Disney Board of Directors for incorporating stroller rentals into their business plan. Each day here begins with the stroller rental routine, but today started on the wrong foot. The stroller drill begins by getting in line to purchase a rental ticket for a double stroller. When you get the ticket, they ask your name, then write it on a placard in bold magic-marker. This placard is then inserted into a see-through plastic sleeve that is attached to the handle of the stoller. When you exit a ride, the name plate makes it easy to find your stroller among the throng.

Anyway, still in a good mood from last night's Oktoberfest, I was anxious to try out my newfound talent with a German accent - I'm fascinated with that guttural or uvular German "R" sound. (Actually, my accent is a work in progress. Kind of a cross between Schwarzenegger and Donald Duck, but I'm thinking the Disney influence is temporary.) When it was my turn at the schtrollah counter, I asked for a "doobla schtrollah", and was pleasantly surprised that they seemed to be fooled.

Name?
Wrote-en-kidds
Spelling?
R-O-T-T-E-N-K-I-D-Z


My proud smile faded following the reaction of the In-Laws when they realized they'd be pushing a stroller all day with the name "ROTTENKIDZ". Between last night's post-Oktoberfest conversation and today's stroller incident, I think my Father-In-Law entertained thoughts of shoving my uvular fricative... well, let's just say he seemed to be entertaining some thoughts.

Anyway, I spent most of the day today taking pictures of just about anything - blades of grass, bolts, bits of sidewalk, aluminum siding. To be fair to my Father-In-Law, I think most other folks also thought I was a nutcase. Sigh... I am so misunderstood.

So here are a couple of parting pictures. See you in a couple of days....

Shtinkin' Vizenheimer

Tonight I got to stroll around the World and act positively international. I had to fight the sudden urge to grow a moustache of some sort. We dined in Germany, at the Biergarten restaurant. I loaded my plate at the buffet with all kinds of schnitzel-weiner-spatzle-mabobs, and it was all delicious. Then I ordered a liter stein of dark oktoberfest beer - a whole LITER man! I have no German blood that I'm aware of, but I'd sure like to. Those people can party!

The whole restaurant was set up to resemble a town square, where the center was actually a stage. They had a four-piece band, with a trumpet even. They were singing german songs, and people were dancing in the center square, and they had a burgermeister up there tapping a wooden keg of beer, and people were clapping...

(You know, there is something about a polka that makes me want to clap on the 1-3 beat, and I seriously messed some people up with that.).


Anyway, folks were clapping and singing. Each verse would end with everyone yelling "ticky-tacky ticky-tacky HOY! HOY! HOY!" I tried to get a wave going, but no one seemed to understand why I kept standing up and sitting back down.

When the song's chorus rolled around, we'd all have to sing something in German, which I totally didn't get. It didn't matter, I just made something up. You've absolutely got to love a country where you can stand up at your table, slosh a whole freaking liter of dark beer around and emphatically sing "I LOVE STRUDEL!", and no one thinks you're weird. Well... except maybe my Father-In-Law.

[Insert picture of Biergarten HERE]

[which i forgot to take]
[hey, did i mention they let you drink beer by the LITER?]

Winding down

Tomorrow is our last day here. Truthfully, the students are anxious to get back to see the Academy's mascot, KC the Kitty Cat.

These are a couple of parting shots taken from the lobby. Not very good ones - there has been so little time for photography. At any rate, this is a gorgeous place.

Poker faces

If Josh and Kyle ever learn to play poker, we'll be millionaires. Through this entire trip, they've been completely stone faced. The expression is the same whether we're catching a 3-D movie, riding a roller coaster, or watching a spectacular fireworks show. For the life of me, I can't figure out how a complete goofball like me has managed to raise such serious kids.

Without question, their favorite ride at Disney is the whirlpool bath in the hotel room. Each day they ask "how long before we get back to the hotel?" Their poor grandparents must be wondering why on earth they spent so much money for this trip.


I think the most expression I've seen from them is today's safari ride. They positively loved seeing all the animals, including Bengal Tigers, Hippos and Rhinos. But this ride was, without a doubt, the cheesiest thing we've experienced here. I mean, its was great to see all the animals, but pretending it was a real safari and that we were helping to capture some poachers went beyond the pale.

As the "safari guide" recites her script (with all the enthusiasm of someone who has recited it a thousand times), I can imagine some guy in a booth somewhere saying "ok guys, cue the hippos". I swear everything here seems to be animatronic. I sure wish my kids were. It would make their grandparents feel so much better if could sit in the background somewhere saying "ok guys, cue the smile."

Honey, I Numbed The Audience

I'd have been a lousy cow. I don't like lines, I don't like being herded, and I don't like doing anything in unison with everyone else. So Disney has been interesting, from that perspective.

The boys loved a 3-D show called "Honey, I Shrunk The Audience". Its a cute take on the movie series, and it has some funny surprises. But getting there was something of a non-conformist's nightmare.

Any cynic worth his salt and vinegar will know that when something is sponsored by Kodak, its best to run in the opposite direction. But here, they have you by the mouse ears. First, we were herded into a carpeted auditorium with several large video monitors. There were no chairs, so you basically stood shoulder-to-shoulder, facing the monitors. That's when they tell you the real show is through the doors to the left, but first they intend to show you something by its sponsor, Kodak. !%$#@! Too late to turn back now.

Dim the lights, and queue the sappy music - you are about to be numbed. It is virtually impossible to look away. Its like having cheese whiz shoved down your throat. And speaking of gagging, it was at this point that the family in front of us decided to share a moment of their lives, as they bent down to change a diaper.

When we'd finally had a sufficient dose of smarm, they herded us into the theater, told us what we could and could not do, where to sit, and when to put on our glasses.

Doin' the Macarena, Disney style.

Best laid plans...

I had it all planned out - lessons, workbooks, assignments. Schedule. And there is the problem. The teacher has been wholly unable to maintain schedule, on account of his being asleep during class. On account of his dragging his sorry, tired mass back to the hotel each night, barely able to take another step. So I've bagged the whole "homeschool roadtrip" concept, which was ill-conceived to start with. But you already knew that.

Truthfully, there is plenty of educational material in the parks. Rides about energy, communication, environment, conservation, human and plant biology. Most of which is over the kids' heads, but they seem to be soaking it up. One of the shows we watched was the Hall of Presidents. Here they had a "cast member" (disneyspeak for employee) talk for 15 minutes about the voting process, interspersing fun facts about presidential election issues of past and present. Then they had a show featuring 42 life-sized, animatronic dummies - er, presidents - on a stage. They began by introducing them all, in order. This was fun because we'd spent some time reviewing our "Browns Bridge Presidential Acronyms" the night before.

WAJMMQJBHTPZF - pronounced waj-mik-jib-hit-pizf
PIBLJGHGACHCM - pronounced pib-lij-gihug-ach-kim
RTWCHRTEKJNF - pronounced rit-witch-roh-tek-januf
CRBCB - pronounced "Alex, do you mean I have to wait another THREE years for the next consonant?"

It was awesome that we'd been able to list all the presidents correctly before seeing the show.

Anyway, there are many, many cheesy customs here at Disney. Like the term "cast members". And the way all those cast members say "Welcome Home" every time they see you. And the way everything here is called "magical".

On the second night we saw the fireworks display in the Magic Kingdom. Try as I might to come up with a description, only one word came to mind. Magical.

Cruel and the usual...

Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention states that no one shall be subject to "degrading treatment”, and “outrages upon personal dignity”.

Whoever wrote this has never met my In-Laws.

Having never experienced Disney, I'd been told that it had the power to make even the most jaded adult feel like a kid again. Big deal. My Father-In-Law has the magical power to make me feel like I'm 12 years old. Usually in front of a crowd of people.

God bless them, they mean well. Thank goodness there is relief, administered in doses of 750ml.

¿Dónde está la cuchara?

What trip down Interstate 95 would be complete without a stop at South Of The Border? I mean, I think its the law to stop, isn't it?

I can't tell you the last time I was here, yet it is exactly as I remember it. Except that this time I see this place for what it really is. Tourist trap? Mecca for all that is cheesy? Monument to the excesses of capitalism?


Nope, none of the above. This place is photographers heaven. And unfortunately, I had no time to linger. Imagine that! Every other time I've been here I couldn't wait to leave, and this time I had to leave when I really wanted to stay.

We stopped only long enough to eat at Pedro's Diner. Its one of those places that makes you long for a shower after you've eaten. Its one of those places that somehow manages to make a sealed package of soup crackers seem... "sketchy". The boys ordered soup. Turns out that "soup" is Spanish for "bowl of tepid, gelatinous liquid with a spoon suspended somewhere inside it".


But we ate, and then spent the next 100 miles or so scouting the road ahead for good places to pull over to the side - quickly. Fortunately, this proved to be unnecessary.

While we were waiting eagerly for our bowls of tepid, gelatinous liquid, I noticed the festive illustrations on the menu. In fact, they were so interesting, I concocted an eleborate scheme to "steal" one of these menus. First, I pretended to unwittingly drop it on the floor. Then, I inadvertently slid it across the floor as I crossed my legs. This placed the menu directly below Josh's chair. He of course noticed it right away, and bent down to pick it up, whereby I kicked his leg and told him - under my breath - to leave it there. This exchange caught Diane's attention. She scolded me for trying to steal a menu, then kindly asked the waitress if we could keep one. This exchange caught the attention of the In-Laws, which prompted a lecture about setting a proper example for Josh and Kyle.

At any rate, I got the menu. As we continued our drive, the illustrations provided for an excellent lesson in cultural stereotyping. During this lesson, I discovered that Kyle believes all fast-food workers are "oriental". Clearly, I've unearthed an issue. Got some work to do there.

             

Roto-Rooter....

Report from the head office:

Hot Water Heater Replacement Complete. Cost: $1,300

What's so frustrating is that if I'd been home, I could have easily done the job for $350.

Suddenly, this all-expense-paid trip is getting to be very expensive....

Down the drain...

I am SO lost without my Paint Shop Pro and my high-speed Internet connection. The withdrawal has produced almost flu-like symptoms.

Anyway, it took some doing, but I was finally able to subdue my evil hot water heater. Of course, getting someone out to the house to replace an oil-fired hot water heater on a Sunday was an interesting exercise. I've always thought that plumbers, in general, were an ill-tempered bunch. But I finally found a way to make them laugh. Hysterically.

So the only thing I could do was subdue the beast, and schedule a replacement for mid-week. Since there are folks staying at the house while we're gone, it couldn't very well wait until we returned. But here was a real surprise - the hot water heater was installed without a shutoff valve! That's such a surprise because, you know, everything else in our house was constructed with such care and forethought.

In order to stop the onslaught of water, the only thing I could do was shut off the main water supply - obviously this was no solution for those folks staying at the house. So I had to do my own emergency plumbing operation to get a shut-off valve installed. This involved cutting out a section of pipe and soldering in a new valve.




So now I could shut off the water heater and leave the main water supply on. Great. Beckett dumped a to-do list a mile long on my lap, and now, after several trips to the hardware store and an hour or so of work, I could finally start on it.

First, the two inches of standing water. See, here's the problem with that. There's this drain in the floor in the middle of my basement that should have prevented this whole mess. But of course, it wasn't working - since the previous owners had the care and forethought to cover it with glue-on tile, layered over with glue-on carpet. After a couple hours work with hammer and chisel, I'd exposed the floor drain. Which was filled with flooring glue.

To make a long story short, after a heroic effort, I decided to call the plumbers back to see if they could at least come out and clear the drain. This might have worked, except they were still laughing too hard to talk. Humorous bunch, those plumbers. So I bought a sump-pump and got the water out of the basement.

Having just installed wall-to-wall carpet, it would have been very easy to get discouraged. But I couldn't stop thinking of Katrina's victims, still trying to recover. Things didn't seem so bad after that. It will all wait 'til I get home.

...to be continued.

KILL BECKETT

So this is how our Disney trip started at 5:00 am this morning. I walked to the basement and landed in two inches of standing water. Ha!


The hot water heater (a.k.a. "Beckett") deposited two inches of water in the basement. I ran into the furnace room to shut it down, grabbed the hot water heater manual, and quickly flipped to the first page. I swear, for a moment I saw, in bold faced letters, the following:

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold.

I dropped the manual, recoiled in horror and sobbed "Why? WHY?! What'd I ever do to you man?" That's when Diane walked in. Awkward moment.

So apparently we are NOT leaving today. The water heater must be replaced, the water removed, and... what else... hm. Oh yeah, remember all that new carpet I just installed? Ha!

More on this later. I gotta job to do. Beckett must die.

Hitting The Road

One day is all that stands between us and the open road. Two weeks in Disney World. Its not what I'd have picked, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

If I have Internet access in the hotel, I'll try to post about the trip. So much to do. As midnight approached, I realized I wouldn't have the time or the energy to post today, so I thought I'd just get a quickie in.

First, let me just say this - when you have dry clothes, life is good.


I also finished the basement this evening - this project was way more work than I'd anticipated. I wanted to get this done before the trip so that Amy and the girls can move down there while we're gone. So I turned the keys over this evening. I lost a schoolroom, and gained some sanity. Good trade.


So, with the basement finished, and the dryer working again, we're ready to hit the road.

Josh and Kyle are SO not looking forward to this.